I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
