Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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