Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
