I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
3pm strippers are depressing
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
