Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
