Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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