nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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