youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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