omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
