It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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