He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You may now shotgun with the bride
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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