Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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