im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
