Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
