Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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