Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
