I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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