last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
