I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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