i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
