Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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