shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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