omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
