If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
