i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
