you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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