The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
