remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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