one two three fourrrrnication!
my phone needs a breathalizer
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
