if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
