I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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