I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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