I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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