Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
