Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
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There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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