I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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