if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
