you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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