mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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