Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
