I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
