Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did I show you my penis last night?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
