You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
