I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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