coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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