fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
