I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
