Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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