I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
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Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.