just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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