Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
