I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
