What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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