I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
