My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
