Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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