Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
